Cruisin’ through Santa Monica yesterday, I spotted this clad BMW. I said “hey, I gotta snap me a shot of that beast!”
I pulled along side after I shot this one, and ONLY this one. The guy took one look “at me.” Said… “Oh #@&*!!” Then took off a runnin!’ I mean, I wasn’t even holding the camera!
Behind him was another one just like it and he came screamin’ by me like they both just saw a ghost. Now, I admit, I’m not the best looking dood on the globe, but I’m no ghost either. But,… I am The Fireball. So, if you mess with The Fireball, you get “spiced.”
So, I chased them for a bit just to make them nervous. And they drove like they were Domino’s driver about to lose $10 bucks for being late. They made about 42 violations along the way. I only made 32. Snap!
One thing’s for sure. This series BMW handles pretty well in a chase. Maybe “The Transporter” should get back IN one?
Ok, here we go. Ok… wait a second. I need to take a breath on this one. As I do this, I contemplate one of my soccer coaches saying “be one with the ball, Fireball.” So… “I’m being one with the post.” Ok, think I’m ready now…
CARS!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! (Breath) Welcome to another edition of Fireball’s CDW! That “Cool Designs of the Week” for those that have not been affected by my unfortunate condition. I have a terminal illness called “CARdio MyCOOLopathy.” It’s contagious, just so you know. And gets worse every day. Side affects include excessive salivation surrounding sculptured form, eyeball extension involving potential speed and alien bursting chest pain in regards to voluptuous lines. No, I’m not talking about your girlfriends, (although if that were true, what lucky men you’d be) I’m talking about this week’s cool rides.
Oh, an one more thing. As with most weeks, I threw in a few not so cool rides. In the profession, we call them “Suckassters.” I’m just sayin…’ OK!
1. THE ASTON MARTIN VOLARE
Ooooo. Knees are quivering. And I’m pretty sure that there’s a cold shower in my near future. A proportionally perfect dynamo of glistened metal. A blissful combination of God induced form. Yea, it’s nice, in a whole Goddess Genevieve just told you that she’s in love with you and will never have another …sort a way. Mmm…
2. THE BMW SIMPLE
Ok, simple what? Did they put this together with hot glue and planks from left over book covers? C’mon Beemer doods. So, it leans. Seen it. So, it’s got two wheels. Seen it. So, it looks like a bad version of the Viper from BG. Yes, that came out in the 80′s. Unless, … you’re just kidding? IT’S A JOKE! I GET IT!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
3. THE E WOLF CONCEPT
Sick beast of grawling powerness of girthyjunder. What did I just say? Don’t worry, it’s Swedish, I think, for Me lika dis kul carito. ‘Course, need to see it in red.
4. THE MERCEDES BENZ SLS FLYING GULLWING
Wow, when MB does a car with gullwings, they aren’t kidding. Just ordered mine and this is how they delivered it. I photoshoped the green stripes in there ’cause I’m pretty sure that no one woulda believed me. As soon as I finish this (and my coffee), I’m taking my wife on a flight up the coast for a danish. Oh, and the best option? 12 free classes on Heli Drops, Base Jumping and Spalunking. Um… not too sure about the last one.
5. A FIREBALL POP EXCLUSIVE
No, not a car exactly. Although I designed the cover of my Dad’s new book. Check it out. He was one of the top writers in Hollywood. Outer Limits, Hawaii 5-0, Bonanza, Twilight Zone, Route 66 and 3000 others. Just finished a musical and is the subject of an HBO Documentary. Sheesh. All that at 81.
6. THE NISSAN LAND GLIDER
Pop, pitch, point and shoot. It’s a toy. The kind of thing you find in your stocking at Christmas. AND I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW!!! (Does it come with those like silver chocolate balls? I really like those, too.)
7. THE RENAULT KANGOO
Ho, ho. Vat is dis? A vonderful leetle carrrr dat is so vonderful and fool ov Frenchness. Iy loooove dis carrrrr. Soooo sexy. Now, I must have Escargo, see voo plate. (My French is a little rusty.)
8. SUPASSE
I’m sorry for this. So sorry. This Japanese exotic is just not workin’ for me. It’s like… you’d stand right in the middle of it, not sit. It’s so proper and respectful. Am I wrong? It’s so… Japanese. Don’t get me wrong, I love lots of Japanese cars. But the proportions on this go against everything an exotic is about so far. Low, sleek, aggressive. Instead, it’s tall, pinched and proper. I can see it now as I pull up to an exotic car show, get out and say… “Hello everyone. How are you, today?” I mean, you’re supposed to “squeal” up, pop the door, smoooothly get out and say… “Sup.”
9. THE TAYLOR ONE WHEEL
Ok, a little classic coolness. This one? The Taylor One Wheel concept from the 50′s. Maybe the 40′s. A bitchin’ invention for the time that had only one flaw. It would kill you. Now, as flaws go, this is a biggee. (Maybe it’s just me) But, if this car were gonna kill me, I’d have to contemplate driving it, you know. I mean, If I’m gonna be dead… then that might be a dealbreaker. Thoughts anyone?
10. THE TOYOTA FT 86
Why is everyone having a “wonderment” over this car? Um, ok people, this is just another Toyota. Ok, it’s red, and they did that because I called them and complained. The Toyota operator patched me through to the ToyoPrez and we had a heart 2 heart. He listened, I laid it down. He spoke, I set him straight. He got testy, I called his wife. Done. Don’t mess with the Fireball. Oh, the car? Whatever, it’ll sell.
And regarding my disease? You now have it, too. Sorry about that, Cheif.
PEACE OUT.
Interesting items this week. Extremes. As in, this is really cool/God aweful. And so, we play the field of design to see wus up. Technical stuff, I know. But what do you expect from me? Serious behavior?
IN THIS CORNER! WEIGHING IN AT A SHARP STEALTHY WEIGHT OF….
1. THE ASTON MARTIN SYMBIOSIS
Sick. Elegantly wrapped design a glassy liquid form. And if I were a bird, I’d target this one in a big way. Imagine the damage a seagull could create on this beast? It’d be like ARTPOO. Nice. Oh, although not too practical in the “I gotta buy more Windex now” category. Time to hit Cosco.
2. THE BMW VISION
This cool all green vehicular contraption is all over the web now. So? Build it, BMW. Stop teasing us with lame rendos and give us the goods. Pony it up. Step up to the plate. Ball Sackit. Do the Wild Thang. Gimmee some skin. Am I going to far? Oh, just you wait…
3. THE WINNEBAGO CONDONATION SHAGPAD …TURBO.
Saw this absolutely incredible vehicle near one of my hangouts. One of the most amazing designs ever. The form… The shape… The pain. My wife Kathie said, “I wonder if it actually drives, or is it a concept?” Well, in my vast conceptual knowledge of all things car, I said in a tone of total Buddha wisdom, “No way. It’s a total concept, dood.” And then,… it drove away. …I was devastated.
And what did I do? Went and had a latte.
4. THE CITROEN CONCEPT
Purple. Hm. Now that’s a color for sure. Next.
5. CITROEN ECLIPSE
What the HELL is going on at Citroen? Are these guys on drugs? Are they all frikkin’ freaking out, watching “What the Bleep” over and over and over again? I mean, what in Sam’s heck-a-docious is this thing? Oh, I can see them in their freaky psycho-French boardroom right now…
FADE IN:
PIERRE
So, vaht shall vee call dis?
HOHOHO
Vee shall call it di Eclipse, ho, ho, ho…
FIREBALL
Why don’t you guys call it, the WHATEVER? That way, when someone walks up to it and says “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” …You can say, whatever……dood.
6. THE FIREBALL LIL’ RASCAL
Ok, this is MY entry for the week. My Mother-In-Law drives one, so it’s good enough for me. (She carries her booze in the front, and that’s convenient) You like the flames? I did that myself. I’m just so cReAtive that way… Oh, you think I’m kidding? Well, think about this… No parking problems, all green, comes in 12 flavors, basket up front for booze, dogs, depends or your actual mother-in-law. AM I GETTING MY POINT ACROSS?!!!
7. THE GOTHA
I’m sorry, but this is now my official favorite car on the entire planet. Yea, it’s only a model, but c’mon. Do you think a cop would pull you over while driving this? NO WAY? He’d be peeing his pants and hoping you don’t see him! Also, it’s a good conversation peice with the girls, too. “Have you seen my big black stealth machine?”
There you go. Be good out there, or I’m showin’ up at your house driving this. And you better have chocolate.
As with most weeks, I got cool stuff sent to me. “Hey Fireball! Whatta ya think of my (fill in the blank).” And with that kinda traffic coming at me, I get the privilidge of seeing the best of what’s out there. Sort of.
Well, not all of it is lip smackin’ goodness. Some of it is downright cheese of the Limberger nature. But, without more dumb explanation, here’s what cool in design this past week. And no, you can’t buy the Phat Boy Can from me. It’s on “special order” from Iceland.
THE BUGATTI BORDEAUX
Big and beautiful, but they’re only building them for the richest MoFo’s on the planet. So, if we get to “see” one, it’ll cost about 10K.
BMW Concept Cool
A rad BMW sketch that evokes movement, style and grace. Obviously not the traits that the final build will have, but sweet to look at. So, whatever.
THE ROLLS GHOST
WealthSquared. I wonder if can rent one of these puppies at Hertz? I think they give you a discount on your next Lear Jet World Tour.
THE PARAJET SKY CAR
Yea. I want it. I need it. Comes with barf bags. I SO am gonna rock this thing!
MA PIMP’D PACER
Orange. Phat. Tasty. I mean, why don’t they do REAL design like this anymore? Can’t you see a Mom pullin’ into Vons with this? I mean, I’D help her with her groceries for sure!
TRANSFORMER CAMARO
It’s a Camaro, yes. But it’s a Transformer, too! Like,… two toys in one for the price of one! That’s like getting a Star Wars Action Figure with an extra lightsaber!!! COOL!!!
ZAGATO PEOPLE MOVER
A what? A People Mover? Um,… what if you have a dog? Or,… a lizard or something? Are they serious? I mean, how would I pick up my ex-wife if I had one??
What a ridiculously cool day! All days should be like this, not just Father’s Day. The main highlight was the 2009 Rodeo Drive Concours d’ Elegance. Seriously expensive machines… in the sun.
My son Sean, Kathie and I strolled among multi-millions of dollars worth of machines including Delahaye, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Rolls Royce, Bentley, BMW, Alfa Romeo, Aston Martin, Packard, an Electric Cobra, Smarts, Green Vehicles, Tesal and even a Bentley Chopper. Yea, all cheapies, of course. Let me just take them all, thank you. Even Sean sat in the Lincoln from the TV show “Entourage.”
But on Rodeo, it’s no holds barred. The streets were packed with onlookers… even in the trees. The major highlight of the show was this DDR (Dumb Diamond Ring) on display. At the sheer cheap stupid price of $744,000.00 I mean, come on… Let’s get real. Put something in the window that’s REALLY expensive you bunch a’ lame o’ cheap basterds.What moron got cold feet and stuck the small stone in the window??? Sheesh!
Imagine. Strolling down Rodeo and you “pop” into a wee lil’ store to pick up something for your honey squeeze. A tiny lil’ rock for just under a mil. I’m sorry, but that’s just plain stupid in a really stupid sort of way. What could YOU do with $744,300.00??? Let us begin with making a list of 744,000 things, yo!
But the cars were smokin’ hot. SO, here we go folks….
Wow, the HB Concours show was an awesome success. (Although, it rained as I brought in my cool orange CVS caddy…) Hot Rod Saturday was a bit light but Sunday was a record crowd of car nut jobs! I think the entire city of Huntington Beach showed up! Here’s some of the tasty highlights, but thanks to everyone that came out, like DB, John Callison, Dan Woods, Styles and many more for the sun and cool cars!!
…comin’ April 3rd. Hey, that’s my birthday!!!
Unfortunately, not a lot of excitement here except for the Holden. And that’s in Australia. What are these car makers thinking? That were bland design-unfriendly neer-do-wells?
I do respect Chris Bangle and his team at BMW for pushing the envelope, but I really wish that a car maker would step up and give us something unique and not as a concept. At this point, ANY car maker… We want to DRIVE these things!!
