Fireball’s “Cool Designs of the Week”

Fireball Tim’s Cool Designs for the Holidays!

It’s the Holidays, and coolness abounds. Snappy designs and ideas from the best, and not so best, around. So, as I down my peppermint chocolate cookies and slurp my apple cream cider, I pose this contemplative effort. (Like, I have no idea what I just said…) Whatever…

Adios 2009! Welcome 2010! We don’t have flying cars. We don’t teleport our asses around the globe. And we don’t eat square Star Trek food. BUT, we do have G3 phones. We DO have bluetooth contraptions hangin’ on our noggens and WE DO…

…have bitchin’ rides. Bring it, Fireball.

1. SANTA’S LAND ROVER SLEIGH

Just frikkin’ cool. I mean, yea, the reindeer will be really pissed, but so what. Take the year off boys. Ima deliverin’ on my own. And I’m gonna buzz the pyramids at MACH 3. …Ho., yo.

…Funny. “Land Rover.” And… it’s a sleigh. That flies. I’m just sayin.’

2. THE AUDI AVATAR


No, not designed by James Cameron. Although, he coulda had it in the movie. Audi is poised to create future car badness with this and the ETRON. Although, I think they’re going to too many movies. Their next car is their wind-powered SUV called the RAMBLOW.

3. E-CRUSTACEAN


Certainly my choice in hybrid rides. Part BUG, part CRUSTACEAN. Butter powered and some serious pedestrian killers. Lemon slice anyone?

4. CAMARO ENFORCER


Want it. Gonna have it. Gonna use it. “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.” “I am da LAW.” “Feelin’ lucky, punk?” All good lines, but this cars says… “Take your best shot and see what happens.”

5. THE ALFA SPIDER


This ride belongs to my buddy, Tony Michalski. He wanted to convey why cars are like women. Specifically, Italian women. And this dynamo is all Italian. So, I pose the question to ya’ll. “How are cars like women?” Ok, I’ll start….

On second thought, …my wife’s gonna read this. Peace out.

6. THE HONDA HELIX

What the heck? If someone can design this… then I should be driving it. Or… flying it. Maybe it’s a sub? No, wait. I KNOW! It’s an MRI Machine! …With wheels, duh.

7. THE MINI BEACHCOMBER

MINI. Only bigger than a MINI. And no doors. Well, there IS doors, but they come off. And you can store them in your other MINI. Oh, and there’s 9 billion options for this ride. Including Snow Boards that replace the tires. And it has 16 cup holders for slushies. Only,… 4 seats. But you can store the extra cup holders in your Clubman… which will go in the other MINI. Wait… now I’m lost.

8. THE SAHS MERCEDES BENZ

John Sahs designed the CUBE. And he’s my buddy in Tokyo. So, that’s cool. And this MB is cool. And it’s his. So, that makes John my new best friend. HEY JOHN! DESIGN ME AN OCTAGONAL MERCEDES! Or maybe a HEX HONDA. Or would you believe a TRIANGULAR TESLA. NO WAIT! A SQUARE SAAB!

Ok, I’ll handle that one…

9. THE FIREBALL SAABSLAM

GM is buggin’ out and dropping SAAB. You don’t do that to Swedish Babes. (Guess the Chinese doods didn’t want that along with getting a Hummer?) Anyway, references aside,  slam a Saab and cruise it accordingly and what do you get? Big pimpin.’

10. MILK CHOCOLATE CARERRA

Options. Cocoa holders. Park, Reverse and Lick. Exhaust serves marshmallows.

Merry Christmas, people. LOVE TO THE WORLD!

(1) Comment|Posted in Holidays

Fireball’s Cool Designs of the Week!

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Ah, the pain of it all. Sometimes it just weens away in peaceful bliss when cars like some of this week’s BADASS vehicles show up.

Now, since my head is on goin’ to SEMA and getting the skinny on some of the world’s best (and worst), I’m gonna keep my rants to a minimum. … Wait, I mean keep my professional blogging to a minimum… and rant all I want, cuz… I can. And CarDomainRob lets me.

SO! Here’s to Rob. (We’re gonna meet up in Vegas and paint the town some ridiculous color. Then get drunk on cool cars!) Anyway, nuf about Sin City…..

LET’S GET TO THE RIDES, BABY!

1. THE FORD MONDEO CONCEPT

Ford_Mondeo

What? A Ford that actually looks sweet? (Not that there aren’t other Ford Sweeties) But, when you see a concept car that’s bitchin,’ then the production version sucks a big green walamzoo, then disappointment sets in and you pull a David Carradine. (Was that bad?) Maybe I should have referenced H.R. Puf N’ Stuff? Anyway, LIKE IT!

2. THE VERITAS RS III

Veritas_rs_iii_roadster

What is this thing? Hell if I know, but I want one and I want to drive it past my mother-in-law’s house about 80 times with the exhaust missing. Know what I’m saying? Crisp lines in a package of warm chocolate steel. And since it’s a Roadster, I get my added bone up on bug protein. (My Doctor’s been telling me that I’m a bit low. Then again, what does he know? He’s got hair growing out his nose like a tumbleweed. Damn Dirty Ape.)

3. THE SPADA

Spada

Now, there’s some cool things about this car… done badly. It’s unique for sure, but has some strange choices that deter from it’s potential coolness. So, below (#4) is the SPADA NASTY. My version. It’s what they shoulda done, had they come to it from the NASTY perspective. NASTY being the all purposeful word that represents something that causes a small short bit of pain, this is what I’d recommend they do. I mean, c’mon. You want to sell this car, or just hang it on a Christmas Tree?

4. THE SPADA NASTY

SpadaNasty

Ok, so maybe not everyone’s cup o’ hot cocoa, but I like it better than the candyass version above it. What do you guys think? I only spent about 5 minutes on this to improve it. Not like it’s a big deal to do it the real mccoy.

Ok. Now for the hardcore stuff….

5. THE CAR

TheCar

Nuf said.

6. MY JUGGERNAUT

Juggernaut

Since I’m heading to Vegas, and IF I were driving a MINI, then I’d be driving this. Just a wee bit of BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA.

7. THE LEXUS LFA

Lexus-LFA

This ride is sweet. And when it comes out, it’s mine. Great lines, great sculpt, great attitude. AND, great potential. Wups, cat’s outta the bag now…

8. THE LEXUS LFA TUNED

Lexus_lfa_Tuned

Yup. This one’s gonna cause a lot of trouble. I may just have to get in on it. Reminds me of a joke…

“What did one old boob say to the other old boob?

We better get some support soon or they’re gonna think we’re nuts.”

What does that have to do with a tuned LFA? Who cares.

Bye.

Fireball’s “Cool Designs of the Week!”

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Ok, here we go. Ok… wait a second. I need to take a breath on this one. As I do this, I contemplate one of my soccer coaches saying “be one with the ball, Fireball.” So… “I’m being one with the post.” Ok, think I’m ready now…

CARS!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! (Breath) Welcome to another edition of Fireball’s CDW! That “Cool Designs of the Week” for those that have not been affected by my unfortunate condition. I have a terminal illness called “CARdio MyCOOLopathy.” It’s contagious, just so you know. And gets worse every day. Side affects include excessive salivation surrounding sculptured form, eyeball extension involving potential speed and alien bursting chest pain in regards to voluptuous lines. No, I’m not talking about your girlfriends, (although if that were true, what lucky men you’d be) I’m talking about this week’s cool rides.

Oh, an one more thing. As with most weeks, I threw in a few not so cool rides. In the profession, we call them “Suckassters.” I’m just sayin…’ OK!

1. THE ASTON MARTIN VOLARE

Aston-Martin-Volare

Ooooo. Knees are quivering. And I’m pretty sure that there’s a cold shower in my near future. A proportionally perfect dynamo of glistened metal. A blissful combination of God induced form. Yea, it’s nice, in a whole Goddess Genevieve just told you that she’s in love with you and will never have another …sort a way. Mmm…

2. THE BMW SIMPLE

BMW-Simple

Ok, simple what? Did they put this together with hot glue and planks from left over book covers? C’mon Beemer doods. So, it leans. Seen it. So, it’s got two wheels. Seen it. So, it looks like a bad version of the Viper from BG. Yes, that came out in the 80’s. Unless, … you’re just kidding? IT’S A JOKE! I GET IT!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

3. THE E WOLF CONCEPT

E-WolfConcept

Sick beast of grawling powerness of girthyjunder. What did I just say? Don’t worry, it’s Swedish, I think, for Me lika dis kul carito. ‘Course, need to see it in red.

4. THE MERCEDES BENZ SLS FLYING GULLWING

MB_sls

Wow, when MB does a car with gullwings, they aren’t kidding. Just ordered mine and this is how they delivered it. I photoshoped the green stripes in there ’cause I’m pretty sure that no one woulda believed me. As soon as I finish this (and my coffee), I’m taking my wife on a flight up the coast for a danish. Oh, and the best option? 12 free classes on Heli Drops, Base Jumping and Spalunking. Um… not too sure about the last one.

5. A FIREBALL POP EXCLUSIVE

MaPop

No, not a car exactly. Although I designed the cover of my Dad’s new book. Check it out. He was one of the top writers in Hollywood. Outer Limits, Hawaii 5-0, Bonanza, Twilight Zone, Route 66 and 3000 others. Just finished a musical and is the subject of an HBO Documentary. Sheesh. All that at 81.

6. THE NISSAN LAND GLIDER

Nissan-Land-Glider

Pop, pitch, point and shoot. It’s a toy. The kind of thing you find in your stocking at Christmas. AND I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW!!! (Does it come with those like silver chocolate balls? I really like those, too.)

7. THE RENAULT KANGOO

Renault-Kangoo-ZE

Ho, ho. Vat is dis? A vonderful leetle carrrr dat is so vonderful and fool ov Frenchness. Iy loooove dis carrrrr. Soooo sexy. Now, I must have Escargo, see voo plate. (My French is a little rusty.)

8. SUPASSE

Suppase

I’m sorry for this. So sorry. This Japanese exotic is just not workin’ for me. It’s like… you’d stand right in the middle of it, not sit. It’s so proper and respectful. Am I wrong? It’s so… Japanese. Don’t get me wrong, I love lots of Japanese cars. But the proportions on this go against everything an exotic is about so far. Low, sleek, aggressive. Instead, it’s tall, pinched and proper. I can see it now as I pull up to an exotic car show, get out and say… “Hello everyone. How are you, today?” I mean, you’re supposed to “squeal” up, pop the door, smoooothly get out and say… “Sup.”

9. THE TAYLOR ONE WHEEL

Taylor Onewheel

Ok, a little classic coolness. This one? The Taylor One Wheel concept from the 50’s. Maybe the 40’s. A bitchin’ invention for the time that had only one flaw. It would kill you. Now, as flaws go, this is a biggee. (Maybe it’s just me) But, if this car were gonna kill me, I’d have to contemplate driving it, you know. I mean, If I’m gonna be dead… then that might be a dealbreaker. Thoughts anyone?

10. THE TOYOTA FT 86

Toyota-FT-86

Why is everyone having a “wonderment” over this car? Um, ok people, this is just another Toyota. Ok, it’s red, and they did that because I called them and complained. The Toyota operator patched me through to the ToyoPrez and we had a heart 2 heart. He listened, I laid it down. He spoke, I set him straight. He got testy, I called his wife. Done. Don’t mess with the Fireball. Oh, the car? Whatever, it’ll sell.

And regarding my disease? You now have it, too. Sorry about that, Cheif.

PEACE OUT.

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